A COMPLICATED AGE

on seven

We are of a complicated age.

Seven howls for playdates, then does a saddest fish in the sea routine at drop-off.

We’d like the longest hair on record and cheerfully mow it with kitchen shears.

Art? Should be serious, accurate. About cat-i-corns.

We froth for danger and deadliness in the bedtime book and then elbow mom to stop from under the comforter, where we’re wearing noise reduction headphones to listen.

We scold friends (“Your brains will leak out your ears if you’re always watching tv you know”) and then hide the remote from mom when it’s time to go to bed.

We don’t have very many teeth and become worried when they’re loose. We are happy to explain to anyone how to best lose one, how to keep a good attitude about it.

Teasing is criminal and gets a criminal shriek; when we tease it’s fantastic and gets a fantastic shriek.

Shrieking in general.

We wear a gown to a dinner party, jean shorts and camp project tie-dye underneath.

We have righteous rage about the shortness of the dinner party.

We would like to stay home. We would really like to get out more.

Albert the guinea pig, sentient!, requires saving from the know-nothing brother. He is also a puppet whose hands are funny.

I love cursive, teach me teach me. I hate cursive, the C is awful. [Cries.]

We don’t know how to tie a shoe, but always know exactly where north is, will tell you in the rain at night in a place we’ve never been, when you fuck it up.

We’re going to marry our best friend, and brother can come along if he wants.

If the playdate is going to be that short let’s not bother.

We suggest a different kind of burrito when served the special burrito we demolished yesterday, and then when mom barks about it we say “it’s a good thing you didn’t have six kids.”

We’re not wrong.

When you’re dead, we’ll be __________.

How long will __________ live?

What does sentinal mean? Someone was named that in the book. I’m sure. Oh, wait, it was centaur.

We take dawdling seriously. Don’t bother applying for an exception, because it is crucially important to hum and trace lines in the air on the way to … where?

Questions are sacred, their content is irrelevant, and we will not be thwarted by not remembering what we were talking about. We will take that question for a long-ass walk around corners and over streams and eventually park it sideways by a question mark, and you will have no idea where it began.

More and more you will get in touch with the beauty of saying “I don’t know” in reply.

We are sorry to report we did not enjoy anything in our lunch.

Dinner is a disappointment again.

I love your eye makeup.

Your butt is enormous.

Mom is the coolest thing on the planet and we will paste ourselves to her like color.

Nah, don’t hang around, I’m good.

It is not necessary to wash the cheetah face off.

It will come off on its own, you know.