DITCHING ERNIE

Hello dear readers— first just a quick note to welcome new subscribers and thank everyone for keeping me writing! If you’re enjoying this circus and want to support my work, you can be a paid subscriber for $6/mo or $60/yr (cancel whenever) and get access to all the groovy stuff behind the paywall, or, if you’re already subscribed, you can gift a subscription to someone you think could use less doomscrolling and more of… whatever it is I’m doing here.

Cheers, friends. Hang in there. And when you can’t hang in any more, may your fall be onto one of those “chickie nests” my kids build (every pillow, blanket, towel, paper product, stuffed animal, and piece of ignominious laundry in the house). Many soft, if messy, landings to you. xxCaroline

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Let’s say you notice at some point that your eyebrows have grown together. The expression you made at the people who park like they’re landing it at Wegmans was the same expression you made when you realized all you’d eaten for a day and a half was corn chips, which was the same expression you made when you thought about aspirational recycling and the harm you’d done seabirds with your cars full of junk hope, so really, eventually it all just kind of stuck, and that’s how you went from two eyebrows to one.

Or, let’s say you listen to the news, or you’re trying to raise kids, or you’ve got a bad rash that fails to respond to several creams. A lot of things can make you feel rather too earnest.

The following is a brief checklist to turn to when you really need to ditch Ernie.

1. TRY TELLING THE TRUTH. For example: “I hide the good snacks behind the boring snacks so my kids won’t see them.”

2. USE CONCRETE DETAILS WHEN YOU’RE MAD. For example: “I think she had a slice of pizza balanced on the gear-shift.”

3. IMITATE SOUNDS YOU HEAR, EARNESTLY. Almost no one is good at this, so it generally works. In fact, do almost anything you’re guaranteed to do very poorly, and do it with even more gusto than the things you’re an ace at.

4. TURN ON A SAMBA. I dare you.

5. SLIDE OFF A COUCH AS IF YOU ARE MELTING BUTTER.

6. DRIVE WITH YOUR HEAD OUT THE WINDOW AND BARK AT PEOPLE YOU LIKE. Have not done this yet but how could it not work?

7. RUN AND SLIDE IN YOUR SOCKS. Yes we can.

8. DRAW A FACE ON YOUR THUMB AND ASK IT IF IT FEELS OK.

9. READ ALOUD THE ASSEMBLY INSTRUCTIONS FOR A HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCE IN A LANGUAGE YOU DO NOT SPEAK, PREFERABLY GERMAN, WITH ABSOLUTE CONVICTION. Record it and watch it. Then send it to me please.

10. HIDE UNDER THE BED AND GRAB SOMEONE’S ANKLES AS THEY WALK BY. Kind of mean, but generally worth it.

11. WRITE “GIVE ME YOUR BEST SEDUCTIVE FACE” IN THE DUST ON YOUR REAR WINDSHIELD. Enjoy.

12. LOOK UP OUTSIDE A GROCERY STORE AS IF FASCINATED BY SOMETHING IN THE SKY. REALLY COMMIT.

13. ASK ANY CHILD OF ANY AGE TO EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU THAT YOU THINK YOU ALREADY UNDERSTAND. THEN AGREE STRONGLY WITH EVERYTHING THEY SAY.

14. SAY YES TO A VERY BAD IDEA AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

    

    Wading in 33-degree water, February