IN ALL HONESTY

FORGIVE ME IF I YELL A BIT ON THE DARKEST DAY OF THE YEAR

The honest 5k in winter is anywhere between 1.95 and 2.83 miles long.

The honest greeting card for my friend who’s thinking about kid #2 soon says CONDOLENGRATULATIONS

The honest school lunch for my kids contains tooth-marked beeswax, soapy water, and a mouthful of butter

The honest poem says I FELT SOMETHING AND COULDNT HANDLE IT NOW IT’S YOUR PROBLEM MAYBE IT’LL LOOK BETTER ON YOU

The honest breakfast is the two untouched breakfasts I made for my kids / plus cheese if rough morning

The honest outfit is sweatpants obviously / but also earrings because everyone needs sparkle

The honest gift-wrap is GARBAGE BAG

The honest pet is ants. They show up anyway and take very good care of themselves. Just eliminate trying to kill them and everyone wins.

The honest winter solstice is WHYYYYYYYYY

The honest lap-swim is down and back / cling to wall sucking air / repeat until you have to pee

The honest invitation: **subscribe for half-off thru 12/31 here**

The honest road trip is [REDACTED]

The honest weather report is [BURNED IT].

The honest oil change is ~14k miles overdue.

The honest hamstring is hamchain.

The honest therapy appointment looks like fight club for drunk marmots.

The honest doctor’s appointment is NOBODY KNOWS INSURANCE DOESN’T COVER IT

The honest dentist appointment is lying down on a vinyl chair and then punching someone in the face when they shove a dresser drawer and a cheese grater in your mouth.

The honest coffee shop order is DRUGS AND SUGAR HURRY

Honest bedtime is [immediately.]

The honest novel says WELCOME TO WHERE WE’D ALL RATHER BE DESPITE THE HORRORS

The honest dinner party ends after appetizers.

Honest sex is a lot more interesting.

Subscribe here for 1/2 off if you like it that way!

Honest hair color on a Euro-mutt of Swiss descent is Dying Grasslands.

The honest diploma reads I AM IMPORTANT PLUS GOLD STICKER

Honest wrinkle creams NOPE

Honest bedding arrangements exist in Europe only and involve TWO DUVETS

Your honest height is whatever you usually say minus 0.5-1.5 inches

Honest road signs just say GOOD LUCK

Honest cat-sitting situation: once a day not twice plus I get the cheezits in your cupboard

Honest reaction to your dog: get it out of my crotch

Honest floors: filth

Honest string player: did not make the entrance on time but created a masterful illusion of it which also requires skill

Honest twin-mom: should get her own diaper THERE IS NEVER TIME TO PEE

Honestly, Ithaca: MORE PUBLIC BATHROOMS

Honest baker: GLUTEN FREE IS GROSS / CHICKPEA FLOUR CAN SUCK IT

Honest regret: that we are not together in more than words

Honest Substack around the holidays: cranky, hasty, hopeful / dorky, lost, exhausted, grateful.

Thanks