PASTA WITH RED SAUCE & SOME FORM OF HOPE
Whereas the claimants have rendered services (henceforth called “living, in particular”) and whereas Life has plenty to pony up, the following shall be agreed upon as appropriate payment for the services listed as executed by the claimant identified:
For the service of Waking Up in the First Place, Mama shall be awarded: one to two coffees of any quality immediately.
For the service of Having a Fever above 101F, children shall be awarded unlimited television until a parent reaches “I’d rather die than curate internet tv for thirty more seconds” at which point we revert to PBS Kids.
For the service of Being Upright, Mama shall be given cheese.
For the service of Cleaning Out the Car in a Huff, Dada shall receive stoic gratitude. If service performed cheerfully, gratitude will be made audible, plus possible butt-pat.
For the service of Having to Go to Urgent Care Again for the Double Ear Infection and Strep, Twin B shall be awarded a trip to the antique store to select one item valued at less than $15. In the event that desired item is $298, he shall be awarded a lollipop and allowed to recite the need for “that green chandelier, Mama, with the glorious strands” on repeat for a week, with the continued assurance that one day he can purchase any lighting fixtures he wishes.
For the service of Having her Head Barfed on by her Brother from the Top Bunk in the Night, Twin A shall receive a bath and pancakes in the morning.
For the service of Not Yelling Much, Mama shall receive more CBD.
For the service of Taking the Kids on Adventures after School, either parent shall receive the undying love of all the angels in heaven.
For the service of Making Money, Dada shall be awarded the time away from the house it takes to make said money.
For the service of Playing with Children Before Dawn While Mama Sleeps, grandparents shall receive seats in Valhalla next to the funniest warrior.
For Getting Twin B into the Car to Go Back to School after Two Days of Sickness TV, Without Sitting on Him to Get the Buckle Clicked, Mama shall receive one diner breakfast with coffee.
For the service of Convincing Brother to Eat Breakfast when He is Hangry, Sister shall receive a Degree in Clinical Psychology.
For Grinding up Amoxicillin Pills with a Spoon and Mixing with Jelly and then Disposing of Said Mixture when Forcefully Rejected, Mama shall be awarded part of a Netflix show for as long as no one notices.
For Going to the Pharmacy for the Fourth Time to Get Different Antibiotics, Mama gets any nail polish she wants.
For Having Something Nonchalant and Distracting to Say to the Children when Mama is Shooting Lasers out of her Smoking Eyeballs, Dada gets Valhalla with funniest warrior too.
For Surviving the Winter, everyone shall receive unlimited nudie time in back yard on the one day the sun comes out in March, provided neighbors’ cars are not in driveways. If neighbors’ cars in driveways, perform guilty looks first, then proceed.
For Surviving March, everyone shall receive pasta with red sauce and some form of hope.
For Getting up at 4:30 to Finish Substack before Children Wake, Mama shall be awarded the Zestiest Likes of Your Most Impressive Clicking Finger.
For the service of Playing without Fighting Very Much at the State Park Beach on That One Seventy Degree Day in March, children shall be awarded unlimited destruction of their clothing by mud without complaint from a parent and shall be stripped kindly upon return to car and given towels upon which to ride home.
For the service of Having to Think about How to Deal with the Garden This Year, mama shall have a Gardening Hat from Agway.
For the service of Suggesting Internet TV and Foot Rubs for Adults while Come What May for the Children, Dada shall receive very fine foot rub indeed.
For Vacuuming, anyone shall receive chips and a nap.
For the service of reading, Dear Reader shall receive more writing.
We, the Undersigned, agree to these terms, and to visit adjustments and amendments as needed,
For the service of rising before dawn the claimants shall receive a sunrise.
All chandeliers are worth coveting. Every bauble a dance of light. Much like these slices of a technicolor life. Thanks for this lovely listicle popsicle in the flavor of authenticity.
For the service of sharing vulnerable tales of infectious and sickness-prone offspring, consumer offers placating and hopefully not-condescending support from a location further down the parenting time-line that admires the claimant's efforts and provides assurances that the raising of said offspring becomes easier as time passes. Consumer also admits that adorability of offspring diminishes as each year continues and therefore encourages claimant to appreciate the each moment before them, followed by consumer looking away to not acknowledge laserbeams of hatred issued by claimant.