RULES FOR LIVING

ALWAYS tell someone when they look tasty

unless you want to be bored until you die.

ALWAYS follow the recipe closely

unless your brain cells are constitutionally incapable of doing so.

ALWAYS make omelets with butter

unless you don’t have any / then pray into the EVOO while your pan and meal turn to lichen.

ALWAYS tell your children a helpful version of the truth

unless you’d rather say something else and see what happens.

ALWAYS stop to plunk the piano or guitar or xylophone as you walk by

unless you think there’s something more important for you to do in this world.

ALWAYS bring snacks in the car

unless you wish to finally become one with the gas station cheez doodle.

ALWAYS leave time to warm up the car and scrape it off before your regular departure time in the morning

unless you’ve never remembered to do this in your entire life and there is no hope.

ALWAYS say something nice to a plant in an office setting

unless you think you’d be fine without love under full-spectrum LEDs.

ALWAYS ask for massages

unless you prefer to desiccate and blow away.

ALWAYS wear dark glasses into the dressing room

unless you really like their awesome lighting concept.

ALWAYS understand your writing projects before starting

unless you want to make something worth reading.

ALWAYS go outside

unless it is physically dangerous to do so.

ALWAYS like, share, and/or comment

unless you want me to send you old soy milk via postal mail.

ALWAYS tell the truth

unless it’s mean or it will cause you to have to wait longer for dinner.

ALWAYS appreciate the precious time you have with your littles

unless you’re hanging by a thread and they’re eyeing that thread with their grubby crafting scissors, in which case you should go to the mailbox to scream.

ALWAYS flirt with the cashier

unless you’re pleased with the plan of being a ramen noodle for the rest of your life.

*

NEVER trespass to pee in someone’s woods

unless it’s a day of the week and you need to.

NEVER trap and kill a mouse

unless it hath pooped brazenly upon your banana bread.

NEVER tell your children scary stories

unless they’re the only ones they like.

NEVER steal your spouse’s cappuccino

unless he leaves it unattended.

NEVER drive with a broken key fob

unless a pair of pliers will get you to the co-op.

NEVER do something you’re shitty at

unless you like to.

NEVER open every present in sight regardless of whom it was intended for

unless you’re five and this feels really great and you’re faster than your parents.

NEVER eat straight from the jars of peanut butter and jelly

unless it’s mealtime.

NEVER sling a dead mouse only a few feet off the back deck because it’s cold out and you’re in a hurry

unless you’re reasonably sure the jays will come clean up.

NEVER eat too more than an ounce of cheese

unless you like joy.

NEVER read poems before bed

unless you like lying awake all night surfing every wave in the galaxy.

NEVER eat more than a quart of berries at a time

unless there is more than a quart available.

NEVER hide under the bed and grab your spouse’s ankles when he returns from the bathroom in the night

unless you want to be happy.

NEVER make popcorn for your children

unless you’re prepared to accept the fallout for having eaten 3/4 of the bowl by the time they find you.

NEVER pack the dishwasher poorly

UNLESS YOU PREFER NOT TO WASTE YOUR SOUL

NEVER fall asleep at the end of your streaming date

unless you want the best fifteen minutes of sleep you’ve ever had.

NEVER say no to an offer of help, a hug, or a snack

unless you’d rather die hungry.

NEVER attempt to sled without adequate snow cover

unless you just might fly this time, across that patchy, sodden slush.